Robin Stern, a therapist and author of "The Gaslight Effect," a recently published book on personal relationships, is scheduled to speak and conduct a workshop from 1-4 p.m. Sunday, May 4 at Brown's Wharf Restaurant in Boothbay Harbor.

Her book deals with a widespread but only recently delved relationship phenomena Stern has labeled "gaslighting" after the situation depicted in the 1944 film "Gas Light," which earned Ingrid Bergman an Academy Award for her portrayal of "Paula."

In the movie, Charles Boyer plays the villainous "Gregory," a seemingly loving man who connives his way into Paula's affections, only to dominate her through psychological manipulation.

Gregory's true goal is to gain access to the house where Paula grew up. There, he believes, remains a hidden stash of jewels he failed to find during a previous burglary attempt that led him to murder Paula's kindly aunt during the course of the break-in.

The tale is set in the late Victorian period in London when houses were lit by lamps fueled by pumped-in gas, hence the title.

Stern holds a doctorate in psychology and teaches at University and Hunters College in New York, Hunters College and Columbia University. Her therapy practice has spanned more than 20 years and an untold number of patients.

She drew her book's title from the similarities between the Boyer's manipulative techniques and those she often heard described by her patients.

"The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idolizes him and seeks his approval."

Stern says she first recognized the problem after seeing a consistent pattern emerge among a considerable number of her patients, who appear predominately to be upscale professional women troubled by the direction in which their relationships with partners are drifting.

Stern points out that gaslighters and gaslightees can be of either gender and that gaslighting can develop in any type of relationship.

"But I'm going to call gaslighters `he' and the gaslightees `she,' since that's the pairing I most often see in my practice," Stern explains early on in her book.

Stern first offers advice on how to determine whether one is being gaslighted. A big list-maker provides a list of 20 feelings one should find suspicious. The list begins with "You are constantly second-guessing yourself," ranges through "You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family," all the way to ""You feel hopeless and joyless."

This may be, Stern notes, because one hallmark of gaslighting is, "the gaslighter is someone who desperately needs to be right in order to bolster his own sense of self and hold on to his own sense of power. The gaslightee tends to idealize her gaslighter and to long for his approval."

Of course, it takes two to tango, as Stern points out and so she delves into something she colorfully describes as the "Gaslight Tango" (which is not a bad movie title, either).

Stern advises patients to ask three questions.

"Yes" answers to the first two questions indicate the patient is being victimized: do you feel locked into an on-going argument; are you always willing to agree with the gaslighter at the expense of your own self-esteem?

A "yes" answer to the third question whether you feel entitled to hold different perceptions and have a separate identity, and then you are on the way toward escaping the "Gaslight Tango."

Empathy with a partner is usually a good thing, but it can become a bad thing if too much is felt, Stern observes.

"Your very ability to offer empathy - and your own to receive it - can make you prone to the Gaslight Effect,' Stern warns.

Stern goes on to describe three stages in the development of a "Gaslight Effect" relationship - how to spot them and how to escape from one.

The first stage is identifying "What are you talking about?" That is, are you letting others maneuver discussions into situations in which they gain control?

The second stage, "Maybe you have a point," is the stage in which the victim surrenders authority to the other party.

Stage three, "It's all my fault!" is where the victim, or gaslightee" assumes blame for her own victimization, Stern explains.

Then comes the hard part of getting out of such relationships. Stay, or go? Decision time, as Stern calls it.

In this portion of the personal saga, Stern offers much helpful advice on how to make up one's mind and then sticking to it.

It then follows, as the night the day, the problem of "keeping your life gaslight-free" as Stern titled her last chapter.

It is here that Stern deals with one of the more difficult options - and sometimes the only way to proceed, all factors considered - Changing gaslighting from within, rather than flat-out leaving.

To do this, one must be committed, disciplined and compassionate for the other party, Stern says.

Stern will be speaking at 1 p.m. on Sunday, May 4 at Brown's Wharf Restaurant. The event is free to the public. Lunch will be served. Sponsors are New Hope for Women and the Boothbay Region Domestic Abuse Prevention Council.

Stern's book is available at the Boothbay Harbor Memorial Library.

RSVP to Barbara Ritson at St. Andrews Healthcare, 633-1901, or contact her by email at Ba r bara R @standrewshealthcare.org . Books are available for purchase at Sherman's Bookstore. Dr. Stern will sign books at the event.

Born in Maine and raised in Portland, Tom Nadeau is a career journalist, author and columnist. His professional awards include the State Bar of California's co v eted Gold Medallion for Investig a tive Reporting.